i’m trying so hard to exist as best i can. i wonder if living will ever come easily. if it’ll ever turn into a gift & not this responsibility i work hard to meet. because i don’t want to be here. and sometimes it’s easy to pretend i do. it’s so easy to forget too. just start a new show or listen to a favorite band or sleep through the night. but it’s morning now and i can’t shake this feeling. like im not supposed to be here. like life is wrong or at least that i am and somewhere down the line someone fucked up and sent me to be a human instead of a tree or a pebble by a stream.
and yet.
because ive been loved and cared for and held gently by friends, i am trying. even when those friends are no longer in my life. even when it feels like ill never know tenderness again. im trying. and it’s all ive got. i have no plans no ambitions no goals and im always sorry and im existing.
in Don’t Let Me Be Lonely, Claudia Rankine writes, “We must both be here in this world in this life indicating the presence of,” and I am holding onto this reminder. My own little prayer. Be here. Be here. Be here.
-gentlemoonchild (formerly wingowl55) ☁️
Sue zhao/Ryan O'Connell
Mary Oliver, from “When Did It Happen?,” Felicity: Poems (Penguin Press, 2015)
being in your 20s is truly just living ibuprofen to ibuprofen
Queen of emotional self regulation (fold into myself and never come out for days on end whenever something emotionally taxing happens)
In my everything makes me burst into tears era
summer 2023 is about reading in bed
being a person in your 20s is like being 40 and being 16 at the same time. i am simultaneously too old and too young for this shit
i still cant believe there’s chemicals inside my brain and theyre fucking me up all the time
i honestly don’t know how this happened but somewhere between my childhood and formative years i forgot how to exist like a normal person and started to either overthink everything or make disastrous choices without any proper thinking at all. no middle ground whatsoever
there are so many people who are waiting to love you. keep going
your future self is also waiting to love you !!
one day you think: I want to die. and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book. and I want to die turns day by day into want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun, I want a cleaner kitchen, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else. I want to live.
- via duckbunny
THINGS DON'T NEED TO BE PERMANENT TO BE BEAUTIFUL!!! VALUE IS NOT STORED IN PERMENANCE!! TO BE ALIVE IS TO EXPERIENCE EVANESCENCE!!!
Guess I just won’t understand things for a while and I’ll have to be okay with that
so fucked up that i have to take care of my body everyday. what if sometimes i feel sad about the maintenance
every cell in my body greets grief in the morning and yet i keep getting up to live more
grwm to forgive myself